Nothing has to change

I yawn at the world
and shove a sword
into my stomach

via my gaping mouth.
The sword moves south.
I am still bored,

I am yawning
at all this beauty
and sex and cable television.

I'll take a nap
hoping to wake up
and feel better,

finding out everyone is dead
and I am dead, and nothing
has to change.

Oh, the sword.
It's a metaphor.
If I could swallow swords,
I wouldn't be writing poetry.
That's for goddamn sure.

INTERNET: Gag Reel

INTERNET has special features.

On the special features is a gag reel.

The gag reel is full of laughter.

The laughter is full of laughter.

Laughter is self-sustaining.

Laughter begets laughter.

The gag reel is forever.

Forever is self-sustaining.

INTERNET is forever.

Everyone is laughing,

nobody knows why.

It feels good. INTERNET sends you this feeling

via e-mail, and g-mail, and mail-mail

and INTERNET pays for the postage.

Cue laughter.

Birth

Gave birth to harlequin baby
who's insides are its outsides
at this point I think it's crazy
to think God isn't taking sides

How to Build The Internet

Massive deforestation

paper-mache

discarded lite-brites

two boomboxes

two Stephen Hawkings and a Bill Gates

black hole sun

hundreds of aquaintance-level relationships

all of your ex-lovers

The Indianapolis Colts

eight-track tape of "Jungle Boogie" by Kool and the Gang

Kool

The Gang

mouse (right click)

mouse (alive)

instruction booklets from Ikea furniture

boobies

dicks

64 count Crayola (for texture)

staples

abacus

safety scissors

bombs

Nintendos (a ton of 'em)

The Internet

The Internet

The Internet (for texture)

The Internet

A Conversation With the Internet

R: What the fuck happened?! Where am I?

I: YOU'VE GOT MAIL

R: Christ!

I: CLICK HERE

(clicks)

R: That did nothing! Is this cartoon porn?

I: CHOCOLATE RAIN

R: (disgusted) I see that.

I: SHAUN GANNON HAS COMMENTED ON YOUR STATUS

R: lol.

I: DAN BAILEY HAS CHANGED HIS INTERESTS TO "BOMBFUCKING"

R: lmfao

I: YOU'VE WON A FREE iPOD

R: I'm not falling for that shit.

I: COME ON

R: Are you a sentient being?

I:....

R: I'm going to blow up my computer

I: YOU'VE GOT MAIL

A Very Special Episode of INTERNET

The Internet becomes so famous it gets a television show called INTERNET. The show is popular with all demographics and defeats racism. Parents bond with their children when they watch INTERNET. The characters are relatable and share your interests and favorite films. The setting is vast, but comfortable. INTERNET is on right after dinner. INTERNET is sponsored by erection pills and alcohol. No one seems to notice the correlation. The show has a website and everyone is in on the joke. On this episode of INTERNET, your daughter is addicted to the internet. INTERNET confronts difficult issues with panache. Your daughter spends all her time networking and blogging and absorbing image-laden texts. Her grades are skyrocketing from this wealth of information. She is deemed a celebrity on all social networking websites. Her candicacy for president of the Internet is a popular rumor. She's a fourteen year old mastermind of code and presentation. You are beaming with pride at your creation. Co-workers grow tired of your stories about her; INTERNET kills them off later in the season. No character lasts long. Twist endings are effective to end INTERNET. Turns out your daughter is a forty-six old postal worker.

Fear of an Internet Planet

I overcame my fear of the Internet.
My pride swelled to the sound of clicks and whistles.
And then I searched 'clicks and whistles', and discovered
that computers beep and boop, more or less.
Then I learned things from the internet.
I learned how to build the Internet
I discovered infinity plus one.
I found out my sister is having a boy,
and he will be named after the Internet.
All of these things are true, and you
can read about them on the Internet.
Next I ravaged the Internet for sex,
and discovered none worth having.
I assume this is why pornography exists,
although there are infinity plus one reasons
to pretend that sex isn't hilarious.
I bought a computer off the Internet,
and the Internet thinks I'm very clever.
The Internet indulges my vanity.
It is a room full of mirrors.
It is a grocery store full of naked people.
No one is embarrassed to buy bananas
in the virtual reflective sex-market.
If the Internet didn't exist,
it would be necessary to invent it.

bonesetter

This is no trick of photography.
I've been so busy I'm blurry.
That's Jeremy Bauer right there.
He's playing a handsaw with a bow.
Yes, it's as cool as it sounds.
Click here to hear the band we are in.
Anyway, back to how blurrily busy I've been.
Too busy to write
Too busy to fill out paperwork.
Too busy to be rich.
Too busy to smoke cigarettes,
but much busier to quit.
Too busy to freestyle rap.
Too busy to stretch my hamstrings.
Too busy for sobriety.
Too busy to read good books.
Too busy to have emotions
except anxiety and restlessness.