Look! I bought this today!!

It cost me fifteen dollars, which I considered a fair price.

Notice this book is by Kilgore Trout. 

Kilgore Trout is not a real person. But he left us this book. Amazing.

When I am in Lafayette, I become something like Mr. Trout.

sports are not a reflection of anything (except for swimming because you can see yourself in the water)

when people say things happen for a reason

it's because they don't understand it.

you don't hear the announcer at a baseball game

lean closer into the microphone after

a routine grounder to the shortstop and say

"that happened for a reason, everyone.

it's okay. baseball has a reason! please

rise for the seventh inning stretch, where

john leguizamo will sing a song. john leguizamo

is here for a reason, too."

the announcer does not say this because

it would ruin the game for everyone.

especially the shortstop who has 

played baseball for his entire life

only to be marginalized by a single

phrase that means nothing to anyone

who has ever been to a baseball game.

to anyone who has ever seen that ball

get so close the green ivy brick wall only

to be caught by the left fielder.

and everyone sighs

and everyone sits down

and everyone drinks their sodas or beer

and everyone eats a hot dog

because it tastes good. and that's it.

I am a normal person on some nights

This was one of those nights.

I saw Iron Man for the second time. Normal people will often see movies two times if they enjoy them enough. Also, they will see them a second time if they are taking someone new. In this case, that person was Walter, my father.

Walter liked the movie. That's good, because he has a normal palate for films. For example, he would hate There Will Be Blood. But that's okay, because that movie was not a life-altering masterpiece. Many normal people do not like life-altering movies, most likely because they are imposing and do not just do their job, which is to be entertaining.

We talked about superheroes and movies for a while afterwards. Earlier in the day we talked about non-super humans, like my friends. There are fissures in my group of friends, the group that I have known for the longest time and the group I am/was most comfortable with. I told Walter that I accepted that as part of growing up, that my teenage life was bound to fade and I should take advantage of it. The most difficult part of this is that taking 'advantage' of the situation means being somewhat of an asshole to old friends.

If you live in Muncie, Indiana, expect me to be more interested in your life this year. I will try to be more interesting, wacky, zany, drunk, sober, or enlightening depending on who you think I am. I want to return the favor of Funcie friendships.

Another normal thing I did is talk about the house I'll be moving into, and the Mastiff that will be our house dog, and the work we will do on the house to make it look nicer and to get rent breaks. These are normal things that people do.

Normal people will also end things fairly abruptly.

forecast

partly cloudy

humid sweaty forearms

lacking enthusiasm

not enough sugar

cautious movement

sunburnt shoulders

just enough caffeine

seventy five channels

too many advertisements

twenty five newspapers

nothing of interest

fourteen killed in helicopter crash

rising oil prices

your favorite song

nothing to lose

zero visibility

avoiding fistfights

action-packed romance

chance of rain

limited risk

percentages

calculated movements

birds

no turn on red

car accidents

funeral procession

backed-up traffic

a full ashtray

credit limits

bald tires

slick roads

scattered thunderstorms

scattered republicans

delayed flights

flash floods

unwarranted aggression

poor judgment

heavy burden

white lies

filing cabinets

temporary insanity mixed with a notion

of permanence

The History of Heavy Metal

A tank crashes through Paris like a 

pinch harmonic at the end of a pentatonic scale.

Twenty years later, in Italy,

Clint Eastwood shoots a man in the face

without exhaling any cigar smoke. On the other

side of the world a Nebraskan child learns

that one human soul is worth ten guitar lessons

from Satan. This took place after he read 

the book of Revelations which everyone knows

is the story of the apocalypse set to AC/DC.

Fourteen years later someone confuses punk for

metal and everyone punches each other. This is why

Metallica will never be as good as they used to be.

Charlie in the trees

charlie says to me

'god got to be like man, god got to understand'

and to me, charlie stop making sense

tommy say, he talk about the bottle

he say 'stay away'

'the devils fingers hold the glass'

and tommy got class, so he make sense

the nameless in the streets

they don't say much

they just drink that cheap wine

two dollars and forty nine cents

myself, i tell me

'you got to listen'

and i hear myself, i do,

and i start to make sense

god, he tells me to

have faith, but god?

it don't come out

to much

my fingers, the man's fingers

grab that bottle

they tell me, well,

they don't talk much, they just hands

say something tommy!

say something with class!

you just say what god

meant you to say!

me and tree charlie,

we got our bench in the woods

we got our bottle

yes god sir, just leave us be

The Thirteen Doctrines of Benjamin Franklin

(Eat Not To Dullness)

After a breakfast of eggs and toast

(Avoid Trifling Conversation)

Ben slaps his mistress across the face, knuckle to cheek, and demands

(Let All Your Things Have Their Places)

To know where she and Jefferson were during the last congressional session

(Resolve to Perform What You Ought)

While he was considering a revolt against the home of his father

(Waste Nothing)

He threw the breakfast plate at her and asked her again, reserved with rage

(Cut Off All Unnecessary Action)

She says nothing.

(If You Speak, Speak Accordingly)

"Deborah, Thomas is not to be trusted. Are you?"

(Wrong None By Doing Injuries)

Ben takes her silence in stride. She removes the shattered plate and egg remnants.

(Avoid Extremes)

Ben leaves the kitchen and the weeping woman without speaking again

(Tolerate No Uncleanliness In Body or Habitation)

His large frame blocks the sunlight falling on his Philadelphia hardwood floor

(Be Not Disturbed At Trifles)

Rocking in a chair, he tastes the colonies' butter on the back of his tongue

(Rarely Use Venery But For Health Or Offspring)

He returns to the kitchen to console his mistress

(Imitate Jesus and Socrates)

Before meeting with Jefferson at Independence Hall.