A Conversation With the Internet

R: What the fuck happened?! Where am I?

I: YOU'VE GOT MAIL

R: Christ!

I: CLICK HERE

(clicks)

R: That did nothing! Is this cartoon porn?

I: CHOCOLATE RAIN

R: (disgusted) I see that.

I: SHAUN GANNON HAS COMMENTED ON YOUR STATUS

R: lol.

I: DAN BAILEY HAS CHANGED HIS INTERESTS TO "BOMBFUCKING"

R: lmfao

I: YOU'VE WON A FREE iPOD

R: I'm not falling for that shit.

I: COME ON

R: Are you a sentient being?

I:....

R: I'm going to blow up my computer

I: YOU'VE GOT MAIL

A Very Special Episode of INTERNET

The Internet becomes so famous it gets a television show called INTERNET. The show is popular with all demographics and defeats racism. Parents bond with their children when they watch INTERNET. The characters are relatable and share your interests and favorite films. The setting is vast, but comfortable. INTERNET is on right after dinner. INTERNET is sponsored by erection pills and alcohol. No one seems to notice the correlation. The show has a website and everyone is in on the joke. On this episode of INTERNET, your daughter is addicted to the internet. INTERNET confronts difficult issues with panache. Your daughter spends all her time networking and blogging and absorbing image-laden texts. Her grades are skyrocketing from this wealth of information. She is deemed a celebrity on all social networking websites. Her candicacy for president of the Internet is a popular rumor. She's a fourteen year old mastermind of code and presentation. You are beaming with pride at your creation. Co-workers grow tired of your stories about her; INTERNET kills them off later in the season. No character lasts long. Twist endings are effective to end INTERNET. Turns out your daughter is a forty-six old postal worker.

Fear of an Internet Planet

I overcame my fear of the Internet.
My pride swelled to the sound of clicks and whistles.
And then I searched 'clicks and whistles', and discovered
that computers beep and boop, more or less.
Then I learned things from the internet.
I learned how to build the Internet
I discovered infinity plus one.
I found out my sister is having a boy,
and he will be named after the Internet.
All of these things are true, and you
can read about them on the Internet.
Next I ravaged the Internet for sex,
and discovered none worth having.
I assume this is why pornography exists,
although there are infinity plus one reasons
to pretend that sex isn't hilarious.
I bought a computer off the Internet,
and the Internet thinks I'm very clever.
The Internet indulges my vanity.
It is a room full of mirrors.
It is a grocery store full of naked people.
No one is embarrassed to buy bananas
in the virtual reflective sex-market.
If the Internet didn't exist,
it would be necessary to invent it.

bonesetter

This is no trick of photography.
I've been so busy I'm blurry.
That's Jeremy Bauer right there.
He's playing a handsaw with a bow.
Yes, it's as cool as it sounds.
Click here to hear the band we are in.
Anyway, back to how blurrily busy I've been.
Too busy to write
Too busy to fill out paperwork.
Too busy to be rich.
Too busy to smoke cigarettes,
but much busier to quit.
Too busy to freestyle rap.
Too busy to stretch my hamstrings.
Too busy for sobriety.
Too busy to read good books.
Too busy to have emotions
except anxiety and restlessness.

Paranoia

I watched North by Northwest.
Hungover this morning.
I'm going to eat a cookie.
Everyone is looking at me.
No one has anything to say.
It's all in your head.
My head feels like a bowling ball.

Restraint

Showing your teeth is a sign of weakness
in the animal kingdom. A woman
bites her lower lip; Every time I fall
for one I kick myself in the ass.

Raps

I'm murderous, unheard of it
I put it in her uterus
Now she's gonna have my baby
Never fuck with fuckin' crazy